I’ve been lost in 3 years

I grew up in a very active family. I grew up with a mother and a father who always encouraged us to be productive. To always have goals and to do our best to reach them. Me and my sister started working at a very young age. We payed a monthly fee to work in a farm. Hahah I can’t believe that we payed the farm to let us work there. It was kind of a member fee or something like that.

I worked regularly from the age of 11 to the age of 24. I worked as a receptionist, with administration, as a teacher, in a pharmacy, in the retail industry, at different warehouses, as a wedding photo and videographer, creating logos and websites, at a retirement home and many more small jobs that I don’t really remember at the moment. Besides working, I grew up in a family that was very active in other aspects. We were always outdoors doing stuff. We played sports, we were scouts, we went to sell stuff at the second hand stores, we spent a lot of time at the library, we hosted dinner parties at our place, went halal partying during the weekends (just the girls of course) we went on trips to discover new places and did basically everything. Our home was like a hotel where we only ate and slept at. We had our family gatherings every night at home and spent a lot of family time of course, but we spent the majority of our time outdoors.

The 17th of August 2018 was the last day I had a proper job on. The day before my wedding. I was 24 at that time. I didn’t stop working just because I got married. I stopped working because I started to live an unstable lifestyle because of my husbands work situation. I stopped working because I moved to another country and had to start a new life. I stopped working because I fell into depression and had a hard time adapting to my new and very different lifestyle. Now I didn’t really stop working at all, I started to do some freelancing as I mentioned above. I created logos and websites and started to work as a wedding photo and videographer. But working as a freelancer is not really the same as having a 9-5 job. I missed waking up early and having a job to go to. I missed speaking Swedish with my family and friends. I missed my very busy and active lifestyle, basically.

I’m now 27 years old and I’m still living an unstable lifestyle because of my husbands work situation. I’ve felt lost in 3,5 years, moving around and about, trying to figure out what my passion in life is and trying to find back to my old self and lifestyle. I miss being 21 and I miss everything I used to do and all the ambitions and dreams I used to have.

I think I’m lost because I’ve had a hard time finding a routine in my life. To go from very active to non active at all. To go from socializing and seeing people every day to be all alone all the time. To settle down and to have a job. To live a more stable life and try to figure out what I want to do without any interruptions. Because being married is not about only you anymore. It’s about another person being involved, to compromise and start working and living as a team.

I feel that I’m done compromising and sacrificing now. I want to find my passion and start living for myself. To be a bit selfish and focus on my needs and my dreams. And since we’ve decided to not have kids yet, it’s much easier to do stuff right now. To do everything I’ve always been wanting to do. To find my passion, to reach my goals and live out my dreams.

Because if I don’t prioritize myself and start living for me, who else will do it? I’m done being a side character in other peoples lives. I’m ready to be the main character of my own movie now and start shining under the spotlight!